Hello everyone. I've been meaning to start a blog for ages, and now I have, which is a happy coincidence. My first post is something I wrote about a month ago, but never got round to posting, so I'll hand you over now to my past self.
The first interesting thing that comes to mind is my trip to a Banya, a Russian bathhouse. Basically I meet up with this woman a few times a week for a kind of language exchange (she speaks no English so I just teach her words like ‘chair’ and ‘no, that’s racist’) and one day she invited me to one of these things. I obliged naturally and when I arrived she kindly remembered to add that it was a nudist, communal Banya and was wondering whether I was comfortable with this? I said something like ‘are you taking the fucking piss?’, though given my Russian it was probably more like ‘fuck my piss you are the taking’. After being met with a puzzled glance in return, I opted to pretend that what I had actually said was ‘yes, that’s fine’ and so off we went. It was actually a great experience, generic Far-Eastern monk music floated throughout the building, comprised of a changing room, shower room and Sauna, and generally the whole thing was genuinely and unselfconsciously ‘free-spirited’. The most awkward moment though was almost certainly when I partook in the traditional Russian Banya ritual, which involves having your naked body whipped by leaves containing mystical healing powers. I hope you can picture me lying face(and everything else)-up, being viciously stroked (paradox?) top-to-bottom by a profusely sweaty babushka, because if there’s no good anecdotal material there I’m struggling to see the value of the experience.
The first interesting thing that comes to mind is my trip to a Banya, a Russian bathhouse. Basically I meet up with this woman a few times a week for a kind of language exchange (she speaks no English so I just teach her words like ‘chair’ and ‘no, that’s racist’) and one day she invited me to one of these things. I obliged naturally and when I arrived she kindly remembered to add that it was a nudist, communal Banya and was wondering whether I was comfortable with this? I said something like ‘are you taking the fucking piss?’, though given my Russian it was probably more like ‘fuck my piss you are the taking’. After being met with a puzzled glance in return, I opted to pretend that what I had actually said was ‘yes, that’s fine’ and so off we went. It was actually a great experience, generic Far-Eastern monk music floated throughout the building, comprised of a changing room, shower room and Sauna, and generally the whole thing was genuinely and unselfconsciously ‘free-spirited’. The most awkward moment though was almost certainly when I partook in the traditional Russian Banya ritual, which involves having your naked body whipped by leaves containing mystical healing powers. I hope you can picture me lying face(and everything else)-up, being viciously stroked (paradox?) top-to-bottom by a profusely sweaty babushka, because if there’s no good anecdotal material there I’m struggling to see the value of the experience.
What else? My friend also saw a new genre of mime, which he aptly described as ‘air-penis’. This involved an unbelievably pissed Russian man, stumbling up towards a wall, attempting to take, and believing he had taken, his cock out of his trousers, and then proceeding to piss, holding a fat chunk of air, whilst all the while a dark circle emanated from his pants. Ha, you crrazy Russians, what will you get up to next? I've also enjoyed being able to walk underneath heavy machinery performing road works and being able to hale down literally any car as a taxi. You simply haggle for a negligible price and then hop in, though most of the girls I know here don’t use this form of transport, which I find so sexist. Are they implying no one wants to rape me? I’d rape me.
I can’t think of anything else interesting that’s happened but I promise my life here is really, really fascinating and that I'll have lots more to talk about ever so soon.
Thanks again for reading, keep your eyes peeled for media reviews and please link this to people who might not think it’s too vapid, even if it’s just so that I can officially list them as a follower.
Do svidaniya,
Ronan Davidovich
